I get anxious when I am indecisive. Not knowing feels dangerous to me and I commonly look to others to inform my next actions and to alleviate my stress.
This doesn’t honour my highest self. This keeps me small and it keeps me dependent on other people. It also leads to me feeling extremely resentful because nobody is charitable enough to look out for my best interests and make decisions based on what they think is best for me. I’ve gotten by on making do with what overlap there is between the needs of others and my own needs. But really, I’m the only one who absolutely 100% cares about my best interests. If I don’t consider myself completely at all times, nobody will.
I’ve been working to cultivate trust in myself and to rediscover what decisions are best for me. Meeting my needs is crucial in this task. I have to take a lot of time looking inward and slowly contemplating the simplest decisions because my normal and instant reactions are the habitual ones that take the needs of everybody around me into account first. Neglecting and ignoring myself feels awful and I can’t do it anymore.
There is strength in this process but I started out feeling as though I had no wants or needs. It was frustrating to ask myself what to have for lunch and not have an opinion- “I’ll just have whatever leftovers are in the fridge or whatever granola bar is in the pantry.” Whether I wanted those leftovers or granola bars or not.
By choosing what I need instead of what is easiest or most agreeable for even the smallest decisions, I am showing myself that I matter and that I am worth taking the effort for. I feel empowered to make bigger decisions for myself now. What do I want to do with my days? Where do I want to go? What do I want to experience. These were difficult questions to answer for myself when I couldn’t even decide what I wanted for lunch. I often filled my days with what others asked or I sat around waiting to be told what to do. I resented this immensely though, and I hated myself for getting into this situation day after day. It was extremely unfulfilling.
I have to work hard to avoid slipping into old habits. It’s quite easy to avoid arguments and disagreements by being amicable and just going with what everybody else wants. But I tell myself that this is good for everyone around me as well. They get to practice yielding and compromising as opposed to consistently having everything their own way.
By giving myself opportunity to honour my needs I am able to much more effectively feel my inner prompts. It has led me to feel less anxiety and to feel more in control of my own self. I don’t constantly look for others to tell me what to do, where to go, what to eat, or anything else. I choose my life. I love the power and confidence in this space.
