I went for a walk this morning. After I got to about the farthest point from the beginning, it started to pour rain. I put the hood on my coat up for a few moments, and then put it down again. A phrase from my time running came up, “we’re not made of sugar.” I let the rain wet my face and hair. I opened my hands and allowed it to pool in my palms. It was heavenly. It was safe. It was nourishing in a way I can’t explain.

I missed running.

I’ve missed running off and on over the past several years, but not enough to make an honest attempt to get back into it. I used to run long distances. Years ago, I burned out and injured myself after training for a 50k ultra and a marathon a few months later. I lost the essence of what running was to me. Nature. Movement. Joy. Breath. Connection. Love.

It came rushing back to me as I walked the same path I used to run drenched from hair to shoes.

I remember now.

It’s more than just a walk. There’s something about being out in nature with your heart rate elevated and your breathing fast. The nature where I explore seems to fill you so much more deeply as you run. It reaches the furthest down parts that don’t get much of anything, never mind the quality of oxygen that exists in that wild and beautiful space. It brings awareness back.

I felt what I haven’t felt in so long. Nourished. Deeply and thoroughly. Skin to soul. Parts within me are cheering with the familiarity of what was. Gentle movement was how it began, and it is what I am craving to return to. Deep breath reconnecting the familiar healing and joy within me.

It’s time. My body has healed and I am aware of and still working on losing the connection to the pain and suffering that clouded my joy initially. I love that I had the experiences I did because it all showed me what I do not want. I can stand in strength and say “this isn’t for me” when I see the old and familiar signs and thoughts arising… The pressures to follow a path that is not mine. The temptations are strong, but the connection to what was before that is so much more powerful.

I have changed. I have grown.

I remember.

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