Conditional Unconditional Love.

I had a rough night with my daughter who was coughing and sick. She was up much too late/early in that groggy middle of the night time. 

At one point, too tired to sleep and too likely to be woken up again soon, I sat in meditation. 

I went to sit in my carefully curated heart-space tiny cabin by a beautiful meadow, lake, forest, creek… and there were other energies there. I couldn’t define them, but I knew they were there. They were waiting for me. I went into the group in full mother, human being, nurturer, and caretaker mode, overwhelmed with concern for my child. But they could not see me- my energy was too frantic. They could not perceive me because I was dysregulated. I could feel that this was the energetic disconnect, so I sat down and breathed, hummed, and regulated myself into intermittent focus. 

They sensed me and I could feel them tell me that I was too dysregulated and too attached to my identities to be of any healing use and to ask for support from them was to be even further attached to an outcome. I needed to regulate and then I needed to co-regulate with my daughter… to accept the present moment as it was. For however true this was, it felt heartless to me, as I find unconditional love sometimes does, so I thanked them and came back to awareness in this reality. 

I went and gently ministered to my child in order to help her find some peace and calm in order to rest. We patiently tried many different things as she coughed and hacked. What I could notice about this was that, despite being exhausted, I was able to move from a place free of frustration and resentment. It was all action from a place of love- that heart-swelling kind- that Unconditional kind. 

But… it was conditional. It was love and nurturing for my daughter- flesh of my flesh. Could I have cared for anyone else in the same way at that moment? I doubt it. But in the moments where she finally fell asleep, and I was finally drifting into that gentle feeling of pre-sleep, I recognized that the bonds between myself and every other consciousness that surrounds me are the same- truly. Our Awareness is the same, our molecules are the same, and our Imaginative selves are often occupying proximally similar present moment. So I considered that all that separated my daughter from any other entity in this reality is a story, a role, a condition. 

So maybe discernment is an energetic story I tell myself in order to move through this experience as my highest imaginative self. For me, proximity is a pre-requisite. For me, a Present Moment for energies to be a part of is a pre-requisite. For me, shared energetic story is a pre-requisite. I don’t make these things right or wrong by applying judgement, but I do feel whether or not something is aligned with my highest self and that helps me determine how I show up. 

At this point I could berate myself for not being purely in my ability to engage in divine-style Unconditional Love, but I recognize that while I am 100% divine, I am also 100% physical. And that physical humanity matters and allows me to stick around in this experience and learn all that there is for me to learn.

I could also berate those energetic beings for not helping me, for not providing me with a miracle that could bring me comfort and peace in those exhausting hours. But, as I reflect on the entire occurence now and try to compose this meaningful summary, I recognized that they actually, honestly did. 

It was a humbling moment, as well as a comfort to be able to truly understand the nature of what and how caretaking comes through me. As well as what the nature of my conditional Unconditional Love looks like to me. And even as well, what my part in this entire creative experience called Life looks like to me. All in this present moment. A miracle.

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