There was a situation yesterday with the front door of my home.
I should clarify; I felt a situation yesterday with the front door that I chose to paint yellow.
I was laying on the living room sofa with the windows and door open. Some men from down the street were walking their dog past the house and they commented that something was nasty. I sat up and looked to see who was talking. They saw me and carried on quietly. I went back to my phone-puzzle and was fine for a few moments.
… And then shame and my survival-ego crept in and startled me with thoughts like:
“They were talking about your yellow front door.” “They thought it was nasty.” “They’re right… what a stupid idea.” “What are you going to tell your family that loves that door?” “You’re so stupid for trying to do something unique.” “Unique singles you out and it makes you a target.” “You created a situation of unsafety for all of us.” “People hate it.” “You should hate it too.”
WOW. WHAT? It feels terrible to write it out like this especially since I can’t even be completely sure they were talking about the front door! This was definitely an invitation to explore inward.
There are some truths here about this this door:
First of all, it’s yellow. It’s going to stay yellow because that was a lot of work.
Second, it’s beautiful, unique,sunny, and well-visible from the street.
Third, it invites cheer and delight from me and my family.
Fourth, it reminds me of the centre of flowers- daisies in particular. And sunflowers. Flowers make me so happy.
In short, the door is perfection.
But what an awful series of thoughts to come up for something that had until that moment brought me so much joy! It’s beautiful and I know that! This scenario reminds me of when I was a kid and other kids would tell me what I loved was stupid or ugly or awful and made fun of me. Ah. It’s this old story and the pattern it kicks off where what I like makes me an outsider and singles me out for mockery and exclusion.
Now that I could see the survival ego trying to protect me from being shunned, I was able to go into ‘regulate myself’ mode.
I took 5 deep breaths and felt into my body. I remembered the Neville Goddard teachings about revision and sat for a few moments with the memory of the moment and imagined those men walking down the street and talking about how beautiful and creative what they were talking about was instead of what they had said about it being nasty. I did this over and over again until I felt myself calm down. It’s what I wish I had overheard. Regardless of what they were talking about, I imagined that they were discussing whatever they were discussing differently. I do this when something upsets me while monitoring my emotions and it seems to help me calm down. It’s rewriting the memory so that it feels less intense and sharp and allows me to move forward without the personal attachment to the people who were talking. It becomes a memory of men walking their dog down the street and fades into the story of the past with less of an energetic tie to the present moment.
I know that this entire situation was just a trigger to help me address my old programming. The old routine indicated that it was not ok to do things that were original and visible because they attracted unwanted attention, negativity, and exclusion. But that programming was the story then and I am living my authentic life here, in this moment. I am the Awareness of my Universe and in this Present Moment I am consciously choosing to do what is aligned with my joy. I am consciously choosing to sit with my inner child and tell her that what she loves matters and what light she shines in this world through her creativity matters.
I love our door. I love how unique it is, I love how beautiful it is, I love how happy and joyful it makes me. ‘Joy lives here;’ that’s what the door says and I’m glad that I didn’t let my opinion of the door turn because I needed to return to the safety of fitting in and not standing out.
I am so grateful for those men. What’s wild is that they might not have been talking about the door AT ALL- they might have been talking about something completely different! And it’s all ok because I needed this invitation to reflect on what it means to be my authentic and creative self. I needed to explore the programming that makes an overheard and possibly irrelevant comment something which triggers a massive shame spiral. I want to live a creative life and I don’t want to be tortured by my survival- ego reflecting my Universe unfavorably at me every time I create and feel what I’ve done is not good or correct enough.
I am in a beautiful place today with this and I’m so grateful that I got to explore this more deeply. I keep myself hemmed in by my old fears and resistances around being criticized for my creations. I know that I’m not alone in feeling situations like this deeply and if I can do anything today, I hope that I can inspire others to do what brings them joy without fearing the rebound of commentary from the Universe poking and prodding at their feelings of authenticity. I hope that detailing my inner exploration has been effective in reminding and empowering others to do what is authentic and true for themselves. My desire here is to inspire others to paint their front doors whatever colour or colours are inspiring and create whatever brings joy and peace within. Joy inside becomes joy outside.